A rambling post on my year anniversary

It's coming up on a year since I moved back to Albuquerque. I am happy to report that I don't regret my decision and have settled in quite well - I have a great group of friends, I see my family regularly, I found a good dance studio, and I love school.

A year ago, I was packing up my room on Utah Street, crying nearly daily, and could not wrap my mind around what my life would be like here. I couldn't picture my life without the friends I had in San Francisco and without the lifestyle I had become accustomed to. When I moved back, things were worse. I got my heart broken, I was suddenly living in my parents basement, and I would find myself thinking of what I would be doing this very second if I was still living in San Francisco. Like every other time of transition after a major move like that, life was incredibly lonely. It felt even lonelier because this is my hometown, and I thought I had moved here to avoid loneliness. It just didn't work that way after an 8 year absence. 

I have previously posted about TEDxABQ, and how I got involved in it when I returned to town. I wrote about the video that hooked me into TED - one all about visualizing data that leaped out at the nerd in me. But today I'm reflecting on how I have come to this place of contentment after such a rough transition period moving to Albuquerque. I have found that lately, the TED talks that impact me the most are the ones that speak to my emotional well-being, and so I bring you the three A's of Awesome:

 

In case you don't have the 18 minutes (I won't guilt trip you, but seriously, come on, it's worth it), the speaker is the writer of 1000 Awesome Things, a blog he started after experiencing exceptionally difficult times in his life. It's appreciating the little things in life that gets you through. The three A's of Awesome then, are Attitude, Awareness, and Authenticity. My favorite of the three is awareness, because I have had the joy of watching my niece grow and experience everything for the first time. The wonder in her face when she feels a new texture or tries a new food, is the type of awareness and enthusiasm I want to bring to my life each day... no matter what I'm going through. And going along with that, being in Albuquerque to see her grow up is completely worth it.

Regrets & mistakes are memories made

Though I haven't really found a "voice" for my blog, I do feel this is a departure from my usual posts. I might as well admit here that Carrie Bradshaw is a bit of a hero and that I know pretty much every episode of "Sex and the City" by heart (and for any single ladies out there missing Ms. Bradshaw, I encourage you to check out thesinglewoman.net ... it's Carrie and the girls with less cynicism. And while I do love being cynical, it's nice to relate to a blog written by someone my age that's not entirely related to married/family life). So, after once again telling my own "Mr. Big" that I need time without him in my life, I needed a space to reflect on our last five years. So here it is. 

Being in love with one person for 5 years has been the most exciting, heartbreaking, beautiful thing of my life so far. As we part ways for the time being, I can’t even begin to comprehend how this person has shaped me. He has, without a doubt, become a part of me. He was, without a doubt, a great love – he changed my life, shook me to my core. He is a part of me, and as we take separate paths in our lives, he’s in my head – speaking familiar words of encouragement that continue to encourage me every step of the way.

Obviously, it hurts. Letting go of anyone is hard, letting go of love is hard, and letting go of love that has faded from one side is hard. Looking for why it hurts so much, I acknowledge that it feels like I’m losing a piece of myself. Let me elaborate here – it honestly makes me a little sick when two people turn into one, not knowing where one ends and the other begins, losing themselves, becoming uncertain of who they are without the other. I have been in those types of relationships. The relationship I’m talking about here is one in which we spent a grand total of 6 months together in the same city before I took off, hoping to “find myself.” Did I find myself when I moved away for three and a half years? Well, I’m a lot closer than I was before I left. To be honest, as much as I tried to shake it, he remained a consistent part of my life, guiding me without really trying. Without him by my side every day but with his never ending support, I grew into a stronger person. Much like many of my best friends and family, he had a profound impact on which direction I went at the fork in the road. The difference here is that he wasn’t a friend or family member – he was someone I fell in love with at the complete wrong time.

It doesn’t happen often… finding the person who can change your life, even from halfway across the country. Maybe that’s why the two of us have spent the last five years carrying on a very “Carrie/Mr. Big” relationship, a la Sex and The City. It’s rare to find a person who can change with you. It’s rare to find someone who becomes a part of you. I had that. It’s hard to admit it’s gone, because no one knows whether or not it will return. And if it does return, what form will it be in?

Love itself is incredibly rare. Sure, it seems like everyone is getting married and settling down, but to find someone you love who loves you back and with the correct timing? It’s hard for me to believe that this happens to everyone. I don’t mean to be a pessimist, or even a realist, because I grew up on Disney movies just like every other girl my age and I continue to believe that I will get the timing right next time. But I’ll just say what is on every single ladies mind – it might not happen. And when we’ve grown up in a world of Cinderella AND strong female role models like Maureen Dowd, we’re not really willing to compromise on either front. We want the prince, but we know how to rescue ourselves. We want love, with the right timing, and we don’t settle.

So what have these past five years taught me? Patience. If you love someone, be patient as they discover their dreams, and pick them up when their dreams let them down from time to time. Also, when you feel red with anger, it will pass. You will still love them when the anger leaves. Find ways to deal with that anger, rather than deliberately hurting the other person. Listen. Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next and really LISTEN. Trust. Biggie here. Mostly, trust yourself. Five years of back and forth, and my intuition was wrong about 1% of the time about where he stood. This means you should actually LISTEN to your intuition. Your gut is yelling at you for a reason. Stop. Listen (I suppose this lesson repeats).

Lastly, and this is the biggest one for me: Take that time to know you. Yes, I left behind the man I loved to get to know me (on both U.S. coasts … the poor guy), BUT if I had never done that I wouldn’t be who I am now, and neither would he. And I can say with 100% confidence that both of us will end up happier because I took the time to grow and learn from new places and new friends. Yes, it was hard to leave and I have second guessed myself more than once. But when I look at both of us as separate human beings, I know we have both grown and ended up where we should be – even if that means we’re not together.

So, to my Mr. Big, as we close yet another chapter of our relationship, I know we will find each other in the future, and I know it will be as it should be. 

Two Pet Peeves

I come out from the wood work mostly to vent about my current pet peeves, that hopefully will be eradicated with time. When people say the following...

1.) "YES, because you are a college student..." when referring to me venting about school or being broke. Yes, I am in school, yes I am broke. However, it's been 4 years since I graduated college, and yet I hold a job in which I don't make any money, hence the Master's degree. Grad school is a different ballgame... easier in some ways, more challenging in others, but either way, I'm not going out until 2 am because I don't have to wake up for class until 10 am the next day. I have a job, am allowed two C's throughout the entire program and have to read and write a shitload.

2.) "When you move out of your parents house, you will see how hard it is out there." YES, because I did not live in Washington, DC, Oakland or San Francisco. Only the dorms and my parents house.

Sigh. It's the stress of finals and moving that brought this on I'm sure (oh yeah and because I DO know how tough it is there and I will miss the cushiness of living at mom and dad's house). I also don't think anyone really reads this blog, so it seemed an appropriate place to vent...

How about I end this with a picture of one of the most beautiful sunsets I've ever witnessed. MUCH BETTER...

Off to write about economic development/tax incentives now!

I work now

I've been MIA since October. I suppose because I got me one of those "job" things. Now that job is expanding to 40 hours a week, plus 6 hours of grad school (read: 20 hours of homework per week), and chances of me updating this blog are slim to none. I gave it my best shot, though, and if I ever have anything really profound or idiotic to say I'll come back.

I do want to say that my job has opened up my world to some of the most amazing, caring, special people in Albuquerque. I have met people eating at soup kitchens because of some hard luck and seen individuals with disabilities inspire everyone around them. I love it.

In the meantime, I started a tumblr. I will probably be better at baby posts.

The 505

As I opened up the blogger website I suddenly realized what a cliche I've become. I'm all hopped up on caffeine at a local coffee shop, typing a ten page paper for grad school, using my blog to distract me from school work. Hmmmm. I think I need a job.

Anyway, this will be short and sweet, because as I said, I'm in the middle of typing a ten page paper. I have found just about every way possible to avoid working on this dreaded paper. I've responded to all outstanding emails and organized my inbox, tweeted and facebooked, caught up on my Google Reader, checked every news website, looked for a job, looked for an apartment (which doesn't come without the job, but it doesn't hurt to know what's out there). And throughout the process I've been pumping Pandora through my earphones.

Here comes the point of this post. Have you ever heard a song and decided that the songwriter must have read your journal or something? (Oh, by the way, nearly every time I read my horoscope over at astrobarry.com, I'm convinced the man has way too much insight into what's happening in my life... if you like reading your horoscope at all, I highly recommend this site) That's what happened to me with 505 by the Arctic Monkeys. I don't think they're talking about heading back to my version of the 505, considering they are from the UK, but you never know. I can't say how else I relate, being that I don't think I should divulge too much of my love life on a public website, so enjoy. This is probably as much as I'll reveal when it comes to that aspect of my life in Albuquerque (like anyone really cares anyway. :))

Thirteen.

Growing up, I just wanted to turn 13.

Besides the obvious factor of finally being a teenager, that was the age I would get to ride in a hot air balloon for the first time. 

Hot air balloons were a huge part of my childhood. My next door neighbor and best friend’s family owned the Zia balloon. Every October I would trek out to the balloon field with my family, and with Kristen’s, and was a regular on the Zia balloon chase crew.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/see_albuquerque/4174179981/

But, by the time I turned 13, I no longer lived next door to Kristen, and I spent the majority of my time with best friends Allison and Margo (sidenote: these two are now practically sisters to me). I never got that highly anticipated ride in the hot air balloon. 

Obviously, being in Albuquerque for the Balloon Fiesta has me nostalgic for that time in my life. But, as an unemployed grad student (read: piles of debt) living at my parents house, I feel as though I missed the hot air balloon ride a second time around. This is not to say I am unhappy with my life, just that the expectations of what I thought I would be doing at this age aren’t being met. As a seven year old waiting for 13 to arrive, it never crossed my mind that there was a myriad of unforeseen events that would come to pass in the next six years. My parents would decide to move, and Kristen and I would grow apart. Not only that, but while the ride in the hot air balloon was certainly still appealing at 13, I hardly thought of it, as my mind was occupied with other things (like the discoveries of boys and makeup).

Friends my age are all at different stages of “adulthood”: some are married, some have children, some have steady jobs, some are in school, some live with their parents (um, hi, hello there). There have been a lot of reports out lately about how adulthood isn’t what it used to be. There are plenty of people my age moving in with their parents, going back to school, working at a restaurant after graduating college. And for the first time, the number of unmarried people between 25 and 34 is higher than those who are married.

istockphoto.com via npr.org

There’s a certain level of uncertainty as one steps off the precipice into adulthood. And now that adulthood is supposedly being redefined, life choices become fuzzier. Up until 22, I always knew what the next step would be. Now 22 feels pretty far behind, and I still have no idea what the next step is.

But I do know this: I don’t want to settle. I don’t want to settle into a relationship or a job just because these things are expected of me. Maybe that’s why our generation is redefining adulthood: many of us grew up with fairy tales and being told we can be whatever we want to be. We want to find that person who “completes us”(a la Jerry Maguire), and a job that means more than just a paycheck.

I don’t feel so bad for taking my time. I have gotten to live on both coasts and meet people who have changed everything from my outlook on life to the music I listen to. I got to know myself the only way I knew how: by forcing myself out of my comfort zone. Now I have a better idea of what career I might want, and what I want from a relationship. And after all the work I’ve done to learn these things about myself, I am sure of one thing: the balloon ride will happen someday, and I’m sure it will be worth the wait.

Speaking of missing my life...

I have recently admitted to missing fog. This is just crazy to me, because that is probably what I liked least about living in San Francisco. I prefer the hot desert sun to the summers of damp haze I grew used to in SF....

One thing Bay Areans love are time lapses of their fine metropolis. SFist clued me in to The Unseen Sea by Simon Christen on Vimeo, that gives a new perspective on fog - that it mirrors the sea. Watch and be mesmerized.


The Unseen Sea from Simon Christen on Vimeo.

Watching this led me to wonder if there are any time lapses of the sort for New Mexico, because the skies here are absolutely breathtaking. Saturday morning I spotted my first balloon of the season (and then saw there were actually about six). This can only mean that the Balloon Fiesta is right around the corner! So in that spirit, I bring you a time lapse of last years Fiesta. The balloons bob up and down madly, and if you get about halfway through, you get taken on a wild, sped up balloon ride. Hold on to your butts (and please note, the music is about ten times more annoying, and jarring if you've just watched the fog time lapse. Therefore, you might want to add your own).