When someone you love becomes a memory

For the past week, I have effectively been living in high school. My little brain has been re-living moments on the soccer field, track, zero hour senate, sour apple puckers, Dion's pizza for lunch in the commons, blue lockers, the "secret of the Matador"... I could go on and on. I haven't thought this much about high school since... well, since I was in high school.

The news of a former classmate dying in a car accident has spawned a look back, and thoughts on those people who were so important to me back then. Ben Ashwill was a star soccer player, an intelligent, easy-going guy, and I think any girl who met him that says she never had a crush on him (even just for 5 minutes) would be lying. I still remember the 5 minutes I had a crush on him our freshman year. I also remember cheering him on as he scored goal after goal, on Varsity, when we were freshman, and the team was ranked #1 in the nation. The news of his passing was at first shocking, and then heartbreaking. Not only did we lose a great person that day, but he was my age, and friends and classmates back home were hurting.

Still, I hadn't seen or talked to Ben in the 8 years since we graduated. I didn't even attend a single UNM soccer game. It was hard to wrap my mind around why I was so upset. If there was no facebook.com, I might feel a little more detached. But that made it real. The messages from loved ones, my friends heartfelt statuses of grief...

I wrote in a previous post about how ever since I was in high school, I dreamed of living in California. All I ever wanted to do when I was in high school was get the hell out of there. I did, and I never looked back. I didn't keep in touch very well, and I sure as hell didn't miss the halls of Sandia. But the impact of Ben's death has been the realization that I really cared for the people I went to high school with. Let's face it: for most, high school sucks. It's full of unnecessary drama and teen angst. But underneath all the bullshit, there were some really awesome people there. We have all gone on separate paths, and evolved into different people - hopefully the people we were meant to be. I always bitch about how I can't go anywhere in Albuquerque without running into someone I know... and now I realize, maybe I actually kinda like that. Sure, the small talk is always a little awkward (how do you fill someone in on the last 8 years in crowded, noisy bar or restaurant? or while you're standing in the frozen food section at Smith's?), but in the end, it's always good to see people. To know they're alive and well.

I am beyond sad to come to the realization that I will never bump into Benji at Horse & Angel (or some other place frequented by SHS alumni).

It could have been me or someone close to me in that car that night. It could be me or someone close to me tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day. At 25, we are always planning/worrying/talking about our future. Who will I marry? Will my career ever take off? Will I ever be able to buy a home? Am I going to have kids? Where will I live? Am I ever going to make enough money to stop worrying about bills? Constant worry, constant stress. SO OVER IT. All we have is now, people. We owe it to ourselves and those we've lost to start living for today. I want to say I have lived a full life, even if I die tomorrow. I also want those I love to know I love them. I aim to work on letting people know how much I care and value having them in my life.

I am sorry I missed what sounds like an early high school reunion at Ben's funeral. He was that kind of person - we all knew him, but more than that, we all loved him. RIP.

My California To-Do List

Ever since my revelation last week that all I really wanna do is go home, I have been thinking how much I will miss this place. And how much I still want to do while I live here. Inspired by Jess' 101 things in 1001 days, I thought I'd make a list of things I want to do while I'm still in California. I am not nearly ambitious enough to make a list of 101, not to mention the fact that my life is in complete limbo, making it very difficult to make such plans. That said, if I fail in completing all tasks on my list (I only have about 5-6 months if I do end up going to UNM), I will just take that as a sign that I will either have to move back one day, or visit very regularly to make sure I cross them all off. So... drumroll please...

(01) Attend a Warrior's basketball game
(02) See a show at the Fillmore in San Francisco
(03) See a show at the Fox in Oakland
(04) Go for a hike in Yosemite
(05) Spend a night in Lake Tahoe
(06) Take a road trip up North to Oregon, Washington, and Vancouver
(07) Take Highway 1 to Southern California
(08) Surf. Again.
(09) Spend a day at the SFMOMA
(10) Pitch at least one story to KQED
(11) Go camping in Big Sur
(12) Visit Sacramento
(13) Visit the "Mystery Spot" in Santa Cruz
(14) Go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium
(15) Take 4 new dance classes
(0/4)
(16) See Wicked or a production of SF Ballet (other than the Nutcracker)

Ok, so as I wrote this, I realized that I have actually done a number of "California" things. I actually had to think hard of things I want to do that I haven't already done.

I've been on a "cruise" on the bay.

Had dinner with close friends overlooking Union Square.

Been to Giants and A's baseball games.

Been to plenty of concerts in Golden Gate Park. Have also been to the California Academy of Sciences and the King Tut exhibit at the De Young Museum.

Hiked the Marin Headlands.

Felt small in Muir Woods.

Felt small in Big Sur.

Watched the RAIDERS upset the Eagles.

Watched the sunset before listening to live music on a boat in the San Diego bay.

Gone wine tasting in Napa (many times!)

... and these are just a sample of some of the things I've gotten to do over the past 3 years. Not only that, but I've been lucky enough to have some of my  good friends back home here with me. It's been one hell of a ride, and I wouldn't take back a single moment of my time here.

Dear Bay Area, We Need to Talk...

Yesterday I went outside to discover my car missing. WTF? Did it get towed? Nope. Only conclusion? Some punk Haight street kids hotwired it and took off on a joy ride (or some such thing).

Then it hit me when I woke up this morning... wait, I parked it on Haight, not Broderick. That was the one street of my neighborhood I hadn't walked on when searching for it. And lo and behold, there it was. I had reported it stolen.. I mean, I was like 95% positive I had parked it on Broderick. That's because I had, but thought better of it and moved it to Haight.

And man, I know my nickname is "Spacey Lacey," but that's a whole new level. It's "crazy, insane, out-of-her mind Spacey Lacey."

What brought about my realization that my car was indeed on Haight street was that I remembered my roommate sending me a distressing text message. I had gotten so upset when I read it, that I just plain stopped to think about where I was. So when I went out to check on my car I went to the place I was sure I had parked it (even though I had only parked it there for a minute??).

Life in California offers me so much that I can't get back home. For instance, it was not hard to get to work without a car - I do that most days. I can ride my bike to the ocean. I can walk to Golden Gate Park (and world class museums). I can taste some of the best food in the world. Sometimes it's 70 degrees in January. I can check out so many live music shows it makes my head spin. Every weekend there is something new to do (well, nearly).

Starting in high school, I dreamed of moving away to California. So in a way, when I moved here, I achieved a dream. And I feel that in a large part, I have lived it. I have made some really good friends and scraped by to take advantage of a lifestyle I have grown quite fond of. But in the last year, my resolve has strengthened to... well, grow up. At first, I thought there was no way I'd leave here. You'd have to get me on a plane kicking and screaming to leave this place I love so much.

These days though, I am starting to think that California doesn't really love me back. I love my job, but can't make a living out of it. I love my flat and my neighborhood, but the roommate situation has not been easy. I love my friends, but have dealt with a number of stressful social situations. I feel a constant pressure to find a good job, to make more money, to make more friends. I am equating the lost car with my lost mind. I feel like I've finally lost it.

Plus the big one: the one thing California will always be lacking. Family.

When I was working in DC, one of the techs started asking me questions about New Mexico and what my plans were for my future. At that time I wanted to continue living on the east coast, so that's what I told him. Then he told me some strange story about migratory birds who always return to the same body of water. I gave him a confused look, and he said, "We're meant to be where we were raised. It's biological." And I didn't really believe him at the time, and I don't think it's true for everyone, but the idea of "home" being Albuquerque for me is starting to make more sense.

In addition to the niece who will be showing her pretty face in April, extended members of my family are also having children. There's nine-month-old Madison, daughter of my "second brother," Sean. And of course, twin Fleming boys arriving in June.

All these new additions pull at the heart strings, of course. But lately I have been realizing more that I would rather be around for small family gatherings on Friday evenings than partying in the Mission. Sure, I wish I could be near my family and a stones throw from the Pacific Ocean, but for now, that's not happening.

So, with all that said, I think the time has come for me to head home. I still feel like I have a lot to learn from my job, and that there is unfinished business that needs taking care of. But I am 95% sure that 2010 is the year I grow up and move home. (We'll see if I'm as right about this as I was about my car being parked on Broderick)....