For the past week, I have effectively been living in high school. My little brain has been re-living moments on the soccer field, track, zero hour senate, sour apple puckers, Dion's pizza for lunch in the commons, blue lockers, the "secret of the Matador"... I could go on and on. I haven't thought this much about high school since... well, since I was in high school.
The news of a former classmate dying in a car accident has spawned a look back, and thoughts on those people who were so important to me back then. Ben Ashwill was a star soccer player, an intelligent, easy-going guy, and I think any girl who met him that says she never had a crush on him (even just for 5 minutes) would be lying. I still remember the 5 minutes I had a crush on him our freshman year. I also remember cheering him on as he scored goal after goal, on Varsity, when we were freshman, and the team was ranked #1 in the nation. The news of his passing was at first shocking, and then heartbreaking. Not only did we lose a great person that day, but he was my age, and friends and classmates back home were hurting.
Still, I hadn't seen or talked to Ben in the 8 years since we graduated. I didn't even attend a single UNM soccer game. It was hard to wrap my mind around why I was so upset. If there was no facebook.com, I might feel a little more detached. But that made it real. The messages from loved ones, my friends heartfelt statuses of grief...
I wrote in a previous post about how ever since I was in high school, I dreamed of living in California. All I ever wanted to do when I was in high school was get the hell out of there. I did, and I never looked back. I didn't keep in touch very well, and I sure as hell didn't miss the halls of Sandia. But the impact of Ben's death has been the realization that I really cared for the people I went to high school with. Let's face it: for most, high school sucks. It's full of unnecessary drama and teen angst. But underneath all the bullshit, there were some really awesome people there. We have all gone on separate paths, and evolved into different people - hopefully the people we were meant to be. I always bitch about how I can't go anywhere in Albuquerque without running into someone I know... and now I realize, maybe I actually kinda like that. Sure, the small talk is always a little awkward (how do you fill someone in on the last 8 years in crowded, noisy bar or restaurant? or while you're standing in the frozen food section at Smith's?), but in the end, it's always good to see people. To know they're alive and well.
I am beyond sad to come to the realization that I will never bump into Benji at Horse & Angel (or some other place frequented by SHS alumni).
It could have been me or someone close to me in that car that night. It could be me or someone close to me tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day. At 25, we are always planning/worrying/talking about our future. Who will I marry? Will my career ever take off? Will I ever be able to buy a home? Am I going to have kids? Where will I live? Am I ever going to make enough money to stop worrying about bills? Constant worry, constant stress. SO OVER IT. All we have is now, people. We owe it to ourselves and those we've lost to start living for today. I want to say I have lived a full life, even if I die tomorrow. I also want those I love to know I love them. I aim to work on letting people know how much I care and value having them in my life.
I am sorry I missed what sounds like an early high school reunion at Ben's funeral. He was that kind of person - we all knew him, but more than that, we all loved him. RIP.
Very, very well said. I think we were fortunate to actually have a good experience during high school. I still have lunch dates with the same people I sat with during lunch in the Commons, and I know they'll be in my life forever.
ReplyDeleteThe awkward small talks may be weird (goodness, they were especially weird at the funeral), but in a way it's comforting to catch up with people.