Regrets & mistakes are memories made

Though I haven't really found a "voice" for my blog, I do feel this is a departure from my usual posts. I might as well admit here that Carrie Bradshaw is a bit of a hero and that I know pretty much every episode of "Sex and the City" by heart (and for any single ladies out there missing Ms. Bradshaw, I encourage you to check out thesinglewoman.net ... it's Carrie and the girls with less cynicism. And while I do love being cynical, it's nice to relate to a blog written by someone my age that's not entirely related to married/family life). So, after once again telling my own "Mr. Big" that I need time without him in my life, I needed a space to reflect on our last five years. So here it is. 

Being in love with one person for 5 years has been the most exciting, heartbreaking, beautiful thing of my life so far. As we part ways for the time being, I can’t even begin to comprehend how this person has shaped me. He has, without a doubt, become a part of me. He was, without a doubt, a great love – he changed my life, shook me to my core. He is a part of me, and as we take separate paths in our lives, he’s in my head – speaking familiar words of encouragement that continue to encourage me every step of the way.

Obviously, it hurts. Letting go of anyone is hard, letting go of love is hard, and letting go of love that has faded from one side is hard. Looking for why it hurts so much, I acknowledge that it feels like I’m losing a piece of myself. Let me elaborate here – it honestly makes me a little sick when two people turn into one, not knowing where one ends and the other begins, losing themselves, becoming uncertain of who they are without the other. I have been in those types of relationships. The relationship I’m talking about here is one in which we spent a grand total of 6 months together in the same city before I took off, hoping to “find myself.” Did I find myself when I moved away for three and a half years? Well, I’m a lot closer than I was before I left. To be honest, as much as I tried to shake it, he remained a consistent part of my life, guiding me without really trying. Without him by my side every day but with his never ending support, I grew into a stronger person. Much like many of my best friends and family, he had a profound impact on which direction I went at the fork in the road. The difference here is that he wasn’t a friend or family member – he was someone I fell in love with at the complete wrong time.

It doesn’t happen often… finding the person who can change your life, even from halfway across the country. Maybe that’s why the two of us have spent the last five years carrying on a very “Carrie/Mr. Big” relationship, a la Sex and The City. It’s rare to find a person who can change with you. It’s rare to find someone who becomes a part of you. I had that. It’s hard to admit it’s gone, because no one knows whether or not it will return. And if it does return, what form will it be in?

Love itself is incredibly rare. Sure, it seems like everyone is getting married and settling down, but to find someone you love who loves you back and with the correct timing? It’s hard for me to believe that this happens to everyone. I don’t mean to be a pessimist, or even a realist, because I grew up on Disney movies just like every other girl my age and I continue to believe that I will get the timing right next time. But I’ll just say what is on every single ladies mind – it might not happen. And when we’ve grown up in a world of Cinderella AND strong female role models like Maureen Dowd, we’re not really willing to compromise on either front. We want the prince, but we know how to rescue ourselves. We want love, with the right timing, and we don’t settle.

So what have these past five years taught me? Patience. If you love someone, be patient as they discover their dreams, and pick them up when their dreams let them down from time to time. Also, when you feel red with anger, it will pass. You will still love them when the anger leaves. Find ways to deal with that anger, rather than deliberately hurting the other person. Listen. Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next and really LISTEN. Trust. Biggie here. Mostly, trust yourself. Five years of back and forth, and my intuition was wrong about 1% of the time about where he stood. This means you should actually LISTEN to your intuition. Your gut is yelling at you for a reason. Stop. Listen (I suppose this lesson repeats).

Lastly, and this is the biggest one for me: Take that time to know you. Yes, I left behind the man I loved to get to know me (on both U.S. coasts … the poor guy), BUT if I had never done that I wouldn’t be who I am now, and neither would he. And I can say with 100% confidence that both of us will end up happier because I took the time to grow and learn from new places and new friends. Yes, it was hard to leave and I have second guessed myself more than once. But when I look at both of us as separate human beings, I know we have both grown and ended up where we should be – even if that means we’re not together.

So, to my Mr. Big, as we close yet another chapter of our relationship, I know we will find each other in the future, and I know it will be as it should be.