A rambling post on my year anniversary

It's coming up on a year since I moved back to Albuquerque. I am happy to report that I don't regret my decision and have settled in quite well - I have a great group of friends, I see my family regularly, I found a good dance studio, and I love school.

A year ago, I was packing up my room on Utah Street, crying nearly daily, and could not wrap my mind around what my life would be like here. I couldn't picture my life without the friends I had in San Francisco and without the lifestyle I had become accustomed to. When I moved back, things were worse. I got my heart broken, I was suddenly living in my parents basement, and I would find myself thinking of what I would be doing this very second if I was still living in San Francisco. Like every other time of transition after a major move like that, life was incredibly lonely. It felt even lonelier because this is my hometown, and I thought I had moved here to avoid loneliness. It just didn't work that way after an 8 year absence. 

I have previously posted about TEDxABQ, and how I got involved in it when I returned to town. I wrote about the video that hooked me into TED - one all about visualizing data that leaped out at the nerd in me. But today I'm reflecting on how I have come to this place of contentment after such a rough transition period moving to Albuquerque. I have found that lately, the TED talks that impact me the most are the ones that speak to my emotional well-being, and so I bring you the three A's of Awesome:

 

In case you don't have the 18 minutes (I won't guilt trip you, but seriously, come on, it's worth it), the speaker is the writer of 1000 Awesome Things, a blog he started after experiencing exceptionally difficult times in his life. It's appreciating the little things in life that gets you through. The three A's of Awesome then, are Attitude, Awareness, and Authenticity. My favorite of the three is awareness, because I have had the joy of watching my niece grow and experience everything for the first time. The wonder in her face when she feels a new texture or tries a new food, is the type of awareness and enthusiasm I want to bring to my life each day... no matter what I'm going through. And going along with that, being in Albuquerque to see her grow up is completely worth it.

Regrets & mistakes are memories made

Though I haven't really found a "voice" for my blog, I do feel this is a departure from my usual posts. I might as well admit here that Carrie Bradshaw is a bit of a hero and that I know pretty much every episode of "Sex and the City" by heart (and for any single ladies out there missing Ms. Bradshaw, I encourage you to check out thesinglewoman.net ... it's Carrie and the girls with less cynicism. And while I do love being cynical, it's nice to relate to a blog written by someone my age that's not entirely related to married/family life). So, after once again telling my own "Mr. Big" that I need time without him in my life, I needed a space to reflect on our last five years. So here it is. 

Being in love with one person for 5 years has been the most exciting, heartbreaking, beautiful thing of my life so far. As we part ways for the time being, I can’t even begin to comprehend how this person has shaped me. He has, without a doubt, become a part of me. He was, without a doubt, a great love – he changed my life, shook me to my core. He is a part of me, and as we take separate paths in our lives, he’s in my head – speaking familiar words of encouragement that continue to encourage me every step of the way.

Obviously, it hurts. Letting go of anyone is hard, letting go of love is hard, and letting go of love that has faded from one side is hard. Looking for why it hurts so much, I acknowledge that it feels like I’m losing a piece of myself. Let me elaborate here – it honestly makes me a little sick when two people turn into one, not knowing where one ends and the other begins, losing themselves, becoming uncertain of who they are without the other. I have been in those types of relationships. The relationship I’m talking about here is one in which we spent a grand total of 6 months together in the same city before I took off, hoping to “find myself.” Did I find myself when I moved away for three and a half years? Well, I’m a lot closer than I was before I left. To be honest, as much as I tried to shake it, he remained a consistent part of my life, guiding me without really trying. Without him by my side every day but with his never ending support, I grew into a stronger person. Much like many of my best friends and family, he had a profound impact on which direction I went at the fork in the road. The difference here is that he wasn’t a friend or family member – he was someone I fell in love with at the complete wrong time.

It doesn’t happen often… finding the person who can change your life, even from halfway across the country. Maybe that’s why the two of us have spent the last five years carrying on a very “Carrie/Mr. Big” relationship, a la Sex and The City. It’s rare to find a person who can change with you. It’s rare to find someone who becomes a part of you. I had that. It’s hard to admit it’s gone, because no one knows whether or not it will return. And if it does return, what form will it be in?

Love itself is incredibly rare. Sure, it seems like everyone is getting married and settling down, but to find someone you love who loves you back and with the correct timing? It’s hard for me to believe that this happens to everyone. I don’t mean to be a pessimist, or even a realist, because I grew up on Disney movies just like every other girl my age and I continue to believe that I will get the timing right next time. But I’ll just say what is on every single ladies mind – it might not happen. And when we’ve grown up in a world of Cinderella AND strong female role models like Maureen Dowd, we’re not really willing to compromise on either front. We want the prince, but we know how to rescue ourselves. We want love, with the right timing, and we don’t settle.

So what have these past five years taught me? Patience. If you love someone, be patient as they discover their dreams, and pick them up when their dreams let them down from time to time. Also, when you feel red with anger, it will pass. You will still love them when the anger leaves. Find ways to deal with that anger, rather than deliberately hurting the other person. Listen. Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next and really LISTEN. Trust. Biggie here. Mostly, trust yourself. Five years of back and forth, and my intuition was wrong about 1% of the time about where he stood. This means you should actually LISTEN to your intuition. Your gut is yelling at you for a reason. Stop. Listen (I suppose this lesson repeats).

Lastly, and this is the biggest one for me: Take that time to know you. Yes, I left behind the man I loved to get to know me (on both U.S. coasts … the poor guy), BUT if I had never done that I wouldn’t be who I am now, and neither would he. And I can say with 100% confidence that both of us will end up happier because I took the time to grow and learn from new places and new friends. Yes, it was hard to leave and I have second guessed myself more than once. But when I look at both of us as separate human beings, I know we have both grown and ended up where we should be – even if that means we’re not together.

So, to my Mr. Big, as we close yet another chapter of our relationship, I know we will find each other in the future, and I know it will be as it should be. 

Two Pet Peeves

I come out from the wood work mostly to vent about my current pet peeves, that hopefully will be eradicated with time. When people say the following...

1.) "YES, because you are a college student..." when referring to me venting about school or being broke. Yes, I am in school, yes I am broke. However, it's been 4 years since I graduated college, and yet I hold a job in which I don't make any money, hence the Master's degree. Grad school is a different ballgame... easier in some ways, more challenging in others, but either way, I'm not going out until 2 am because I don't have to wake up for class until 10 am the next day. I have a job, am allowed two C's throughout the entire program and have to read and write a shitload.

2.) "When you move out of your parents house, you will see how hard it is out there." YES, because I did not live in Washington, DC, Oakland or San Francisco. Only the dorms and my parents house.

Sigh. It's the stress of finals and moving that brought this on I'm sure (oh yeah and because I DO know how tough it is there and I will miss the cushiness of living at mom and dad's house). I also don't think anyone really reads this blog, so it seemed an appropriate place to vent...

How about I end this with a picture of one of the most beautiful sunsets I've ever witnessed. MUCH BETTER...

Off to write about economic development/tax incentives now!

I work now

I've been MIA since October. I suppose because I got me one of those "job" things. Now that job is expanding to 40 hours a week, plus 6 hours of grad school (read: 20 hours of homework per week), and chances of me updating this blog are slim to none. I gave it my best shot, though, and if I ever have anything really profound or idiotic to say I'll come back.

I do want to say that my job has opened up my world to some of the most amazing, caring, special people in Albuquerque. I have met people eating at soup kitchens because of some hard luck and seen individuals with disabilities inspire everyone around them. I love it.

In the meantime, I started a tumblr. I will probably be better at baby posts.

The 505

As I opened up the blogger website I suddenly realized what a cliche I've become. I'm all hopped up on caffeine at a local coffee shop, typing a ten page paper for grad school, using my blog to distract me from school work. Hmmmm. I think I need a job.

Anyway, this will be short and sweet, because as I said, I'm in the middle of typing a ten page paper. I have found just about every way possible to avoid working on this dreaded paper. I've responded to all outstanding emails and organized my inbox, tweeted and facebooked, caught up on my Google Reader, checked every news website, looked for a job, looked for an apartment (which doesn't come without the job, but it doesn't hurt to know what's out there). And throughout the process I've been pumping Pandora through my earphones.

Here comes the point of this post. Have you ever heard a song and decided that the songwriter must have read your journal or something? (Oh, by the way, nearly every time I read my horoscope over at astrobarry.com, I'm convinced the man has way too much insight into what's happening in my life... if you like reading your horoscope at all, I highly recommend this site) That's what happened to me with 505 by the Arctic Monkeys. I don't think they're talking about heading back to my version of the 505, considering they are from the UK, but you never know. I can't say how else I relate, being that I don't think I should divulge too much of my love life on a public website, so enjoy. This is probably as much as I'll reveal when it comes to that aspect of my life in Albuquerque (like anyone really cares anyway. :))

Thirteen.

Growing up, I just wanted to turn 13.

Besides the obvious factor of finally being a teenager, that was the age I would get to ride in a hot air balloon for the first time. 

Hot air balloons were a huge part of my childhood. My next door neighbor and best friend’s family owned the Zia balloon. Every October I would trek out to the balloon field with my family, and with Kristen’s, and was a regular on the Zia balloon chase crew.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/see_albuquerque/4174179981/

But, by the time I turned 13, I no longer lived next door to Kristen, and I spent the majority of my time with best friends Allison and Margo (sidenote: these two are now practically sisters to me). I never got that highly anticipated ride in the hot air balloon. 

Obviously, being in Albuquerque for the Balloon Fiesta has me nostalgic for that time in my life. But, as an unemployed grad student (read: piles of debt) living at my parents house, I feel as though I missed the hot air balloon ride a second time around. This is not to say I am unhappy with my life, just that the expectations of what I thought I would be doing at this age aren’t being met. As a seven year old waiting for 13 to arrive, it never crossed my mind that there was a myriad of unforeseen events that would come to pass in the next six years. My parents would decide to move, and Kristen and I would grow apart. Not only that, but while the ride in the hot air balloon was certainly still appealing at 13, I hardly thought of it, as my mind was occupied with other things (like the discoveries of boys and makeup).

Friends my age are all at different stages of “adulthood”: some are married, some have children, some have steady jobs, some are in school, some live with their parents (um, hi, hello there). There have been a lot of reports out lately about how adulthood isn’t what it used to be. There are plenty of people my age moving in with their parents, going back to school, working at a restaurant after graduating college. And for the first time, the number of unmarried people between 25 and 34 is higher than those who are married.

istockphoto.com via npr.org

There’s a certain level of uncertainty as one steps off the precipice into adulthood. And now that adulthood is supposedly being redefined, life choices become fuzzier. Up until 22, I always knew what the next step would be. Now 22 feels pretty far behind, and I still have no idea what the next step is.

But I do know this: I don’t want to settle. I don’t want to settle into a relationship or a job just because these things are expected of me. Maybe that’s why our generation is redefining adulthood: many of us grew up with fairy tales and being told we can be whatever we want to be. We want to find that person who “completes us”(a la Jerry Maguire), and a job that means more than just a paycheck.

I don’t feel so bad for taking my time. I have gotten to live on both coasts and meet people who have changed everything from my outlook on life to the music I listen to. I got to know myself the only way I knew how: by forcing myself out of my comfort zone. Now I have a better idea of what career I might want, and what I want from a relationship. And after all the work I’ve done to learn these things about myself, I am sure of one thing: the balloon ride will happen someday, and I’m sure it will be worth the wait.

Speaking of missing my life...

I have recently admitted to missing fog. This is just crazy to me, because that is probably what I liked least about living in San Francisco. I prefer the hot desert sun to the summers of damp haze I grew used to in SF....

One thing Bay Areans love are time lapses of their fine metropolis. SFist clued me in to The Unseen Sea by Simon Christen on Vimeo, that gives a new perspective on fog - that it mirrors the sea. Watch and be mesmerized.


The Unseen Sea from Simon Christen on Vimeo.

Watching this led me to wonder if there are any time lapses of the sort for New Mexico, because the skies here are absolutely breathtaking. Saturday morning I spotted my first balloon of the season (and then saw there were actually about six). This can only mean that the Balloon Fiesta is right around the corner! So in that spirit, I bring you a time lapse of last years Fiesta. The balloons bob up and down madly, and if you get about halfway through, you get taken on a wild, sped up balloon ride. Hold on to your butts (and please note, the music is about ten times more annoying, and jarring if you've just watched the fog time lapse. Therefore, you might want to add your own).

Basically, I miss my life

When my facebook status last week listed a few of the things I am missing about the Bay Area, my friend Hank responded with, “So basically, you miss your life.” Yes, that’s exactly right.

I took this picture of the Bay Bridge on my way to eating dinner with the girls at my friend Kelly's house. She lives near Coit Tower in San Francisco's North Beach neighborhood.

Of course I have somewhat of a life in Albuquerque. But I spent three years getting to know the huge metropolitan area that is the Bay, the culture, the food, the people. The months before I left I fell into a routine, or life, that made me happy. Without trying, my weeks were full with dinners, hiking, parties, dance classes, long city walks, sports events, etc. I still feel as though any day now I am going to return to that life; like I’m on some sort of extended vacation in New Mexico. I suppose it’s that sort of thinking that can hinder me from building a life here. It’s thinking about what I would be doing right this instant if I still lived in San Francisco that makes my days longer and lonelier.

A quick weekend get away landed us on the beach in Santa Cruz, having a picnic with wine and acoustic guitar.

The truth is, I have been meeting new people and keeping myself fairly busy. I have been gradually building a new life. But with growth come the growing pains. And with growing pains there is inevitable self doubt. I could still have my life, I sometimes think.And there’s a constant internal struggle of how much I let go and how much I hang on to. It bores people to be talking constantly about another place, people they've never met, and soon, another time.

The curveballs life threw at me during my time in California have left me with a much stronger appreciation for life. It’s because of my heartaches that I was able to build a life that made me so happy and that I now miss so terribly. So as I sat here pondering my old life, I realized that the best thing I can do is learn from it. I had much longer, harder, lonelier days when I was living in the Bay Area. And those days were what gave me the motivation to move forward, chin up, heart open. It’s time for me to find again what makes me happy each day and do it. It’s time to learn who I should spend time with in order to make me feel good about myself. It’s time to appreciate what my old life gave me, maintain those lifelong friendships, and build a new life I would be missing if I left tomorrow. 

47 beef and bean burritos in 10 minutes

image via gawker.com

Looks like San Jose, Calif.'s hometown hero, aka Joey Chestnut, hot dog eating machine, took to the New Mexico State Fair to dominate at burrito eating. Is there nothing this man can't eat at record speed?

TEDxABQ

Heard of TED yet? When I got to town last month, my dad introduced me to one of the dedicated volunteers putting on TEDxABQ next Saturday at the Hard Rock Casino Albuquerque. I hopped on to the TED website and started watching videos, and they are all different, interesting and inspiring in their own way. However, for my ADHD mind, I go a little bonkers when on the internet and have hard time committing to 18 minute videos. That is until the Alibi hipped me to this talk by David McCandless. 

Now you say, data visualization? REALLY? Out of everything TED, that's the one that hooked you? Well, yes. Trust me, 17 minutes in I finally looked down at the time and was saddened to realize there was only a minute left. Seeing data in a pretty chart puts a lot into perspective - like our wars in the Middle East and the financial crisis.

When you're done watching that one, check out Ken Robinson on how schools limit creativity. He presents a depressing subject (the sad state that is our educational system) in a way that will make you laugh. And think. Then, check out whatever strikes your fancy. And welcome to the latest time suck. But at least it's a time suck that (hypothetically) makes you smarter.

If you're in ABQ, come check it out live and in person next Saturday! And say HI to me... I'll be working the registration table.

Trolley's, Lightning, and Injury Lawyers

It's been a few weeks, and I am loving the new perspective I am finding on my hometown... below are just a few of the things I have taken time to take pictures of. 

Driving around town (especially the touristy areas - this is taken at University and Central) I noticed a little piece of San Francisco - Albuquerque Trolley's. A quick look at ABQTrolley.com will fill you in on how this is a uniquely "Albuquerquean" trolley - open air, stucco, wrought iron bars. The trolley hits downtown, old town, Nob Hill, the UNM area, and more... I guess there's even a "Trolleywood" tour that takes sightseers to the parts of town used in movies and the hit TV show "Breaking Bad." So it's not used for mass transit, but looks like a fun thing to do with out of town visitors! And I would probably even learn something.

Last week I experienced what I had been waiting for - a massive thunderstorm (and at sunset, too!). From my parents house, you can the storms moving across the city.. and the lighting was like a fireworks show. I worked pretty hard to get this one shot of a bolt of lighting.

Is it me, or is there an uptick in injury lawyers in Albuquerque? Here's Bert. When I was a kid, Ron Bell dominated the market (who, interestingly enough, was recently arrested for driving under the influence... his slogan is "I sue drunk drivers!") Now you can't drive more than 10 miles without spotting a billboard for some injury lawyer. Which begs the chicken before the egg argument... are there more people getting hurt now, or just more people realizing they can sue for getting hurt? Probably a bit of both. If anyone out there has some sort of research as to the sizable increase of these dudes, fill me in.

From 6,700 feet

Well, I have officially moved back to Albuquerque, so I guess that means I will have to change the name of this blog. I hope to update more than I have been, especially if I want to be one of those fancy freelance writer people. Anyway, I thought I'd check in on that whole "California To-Do List" I made for myself.


(01) Attend a Warrior's basketball game
Done! No picture of this. We were up in the nosebleeds, but I am sure Stephen Curry could still hear me cheering for him. We beat up on the NY Knicks.

(02) See a show at the Fillmore in San Francisco
Whoops, missed this one. This is something I thought I would do regularly before I moved to the Bay. There were always so many shows playing every where, I started to get overwhelmed. I couldn't choose where to spend my money! This is a crap excuse. I have to go there on my next visit, I don't care if I have to catch a Justin Beiber show there (right!!).

(03) See a show at the Fox in Oakland

Done! Saw Zac Brown Band. (Photo via KR)

(04) Go for a hike in Yosemite
Nope. sigh.

(05) Spend a night in Lake Tahoe
Nope again. sigh.


(06) Take a road trip up North to Oregon, Washington, and Vancouver

Crater Lake, OR

Seattle, WA

Done! Went on a 5 day, 2,522 mile (round trip) road trip, and it was absolutely beautiful.

(07) Take Highway 1 to Southern California
I took two trips to SoCal, but stuck to I-5. =/

(08) Surf. Again.
Nope! Considering this summer was one of the foggiest/coldest SF has seen in years, I never stopped to think about getting on a surfboard.


(09) Spend a day at the SFMOMA
Nope. Ok, like the Fillmore, no real excuse for this one either.


(10) Pitch at least one story to KQED
Well, I filled in as director for the California Report... does that count?

(11) Go camping in Big Sur
Nope.


(12) Visit Sacramento
Sort of! Floated down the American River with a big group of 15 people. Didn't see much of Sacramento, though.

(13) Visit the "Mystery Spot" in Santa Cruz
Nope. But DID see Blue Oyster Cult perform a free concert on the beach!

(14) Go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium
Nope. No real good excuse for this one, either.


(15) Take 4 new dance classes
I took one new one! And it kicked my ass. A good way to get your heart pumping after sitting down for breakfast and stuffing yourself full of eggs and bacon is to do a fusion rythm class at ODC!


(16) See Wicked or a production of SF Ballet (other than the Nutcracker)
Nope.

Turns out that in order to check things off your to-do list, you should probably actually look at it every once and a while. With all my "half" attempts at crossing things off, I got 5 out of 16. That's pretty pathetic. Looks like I'll have to plan on a return visit!

When someone you love becomes a memory

For the past week, I have effectively been living in high school. My little brain has been re-living moments on the soccer field, track, zero hour senate, sour apple puckers, Dion's pizza for lunch in the commons, blue lockers, the "secret of the Matador"... I could go on and on. I haven't thought this much about high school since... well, since I was in high school.

The news of a former classmate dying in a car accident has spawned a look back, and thoughts on those people who were so important to me back then. Ben Ashwill was a star soccer player, an intelligent, easy-going guy, and I think any girl who met him that says she never had a crush on him (even just for 5 minutes) would be lying. I still remember the 5 minutes I had a crush on him our freshman year. I also remember cheering him on as he scored goal after goal, on Varsity, when we were freshman, and the team was ranked #1 in the nation. The news of his passing was at first shocking, and then heartbreaking. Not only did we lose a great person that day, but he was my age, and friends and classmates back home were hurting.

Still, I hadn't seen or talked to Ben in the 8 years since we graduated. I didn't even attend a single UNM soccer game. It was hard to wrap my mind around why I was so upset. If there was no facebook.com, I might feel a little more detached. But that made it real. The messages from loved ones, my friends heartfelt statuses of grief...

I wrote in a previous post about how ever since I was in high school, I dreamed of living in California. All I ever wanted to do when I was in high school was get the hell out of there. I did, and I never looked back. I didn't keep in touch very well, and I sure as hell didn't miss the halls of Sandia. But the impact of Ben's death has been the realization that I really cared for the people I went to high school with. Let's face it: for most, high school sucks. It's full of unnecessary drama and teen angst. But underneath all the bullshit, there were some really awesome people there. We have all gone on separate paths, and evolved into different people - hopefully the people we were meant to be. I always bitch about how I can't go anywhere in Albuquerque without running into someone I know... and now I realize, maybe I actually kinda like that. Sure, the small talk is always a little awkward (how do you fill someone in on the last 8 years in crowded, noisy bar or restaurant? or while you're standing in the frozen food section at Smith's?), but in the end, it's always good to see people. To know they're alive and well.

I am beyond sad to come to the realization that I will never bump into Benji at Horse & Angel (or some other place frequented by SHS alumni).

It could have been me or someone close to me in that car that night. It could be me or someone close to me tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day. At 25, we are always planning/worrying/talking about our future. Who will I marry? Will my career ever take off? Will I ever be able to buy a home? Am I going to have kids? Where will I live? Am I ever going to make enough money to stop worrying about bills? Constant worry, constant stress. SO OVER IT. All we have is now, people. We owe it to ourselves and those we've lost to start living for today. I want to say I have lived a full life, even if I die tomorrow. I also want those I love to know I love them. I aim to work on letting people know how much I care and value having them in my life.

I am sorry I missed what sounds like an early high school reunion at Ben's funeral. He was that kind of person - we all knew him, but more than that, we all loved him. RIP.

My California To-Do List

Ever since my revelation last week that all I really wanna do is go home, I have been thinking how much I will miss this place. And how much I still want to do while I live here. Inspired by Jess' 101 things in 1001 days, I thought I'd make a list of things I want to do while I'm still in California. I am not nearly ambitious enough to make a list of 101, not to mention the fact that my life is in complete limbo, making it very difficult to make such plans. That said, if I fail in completing all tasks on my list (I only have about 5-6 months if I do end up going to UNM), I will just take that as a sign that I will either have to move back one day, or visit very regularly to make sure I cross them all off. So... drumroll please...

(01) Attend a Warrior's basketball game
(02) See a show at the Fillmore in San Francisco
(03) See a show at the Fox in Oakland
(04) Go for a hike in Yosemite
(05) Spend a night in Lake Tahoe
(06) Take a road trip up North to Oregon, Washington, and Vancouver
(07) Take Highway 1 to Southern California
(08) Surf. Again.
(09) Spend a day at the SFMOMA
(10) Pitch at least one story to KQED
(11) Go camping in Big Sur
(12) Visit Sacramento
(13) Visit the "Mystery Spot" in Santa Cruz
(14) Go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium
(15) Take 4 new dance classes
(0/4)
(16) See Wicked or a production of SF Ballet (other than the Nutcracker)

Ok, so as I wrote this, I realized that I have actually done a number of "California" things. I actually had to think hard of things I want to do that I haven't already done.

I've been on a "cruise" on the bay.

Had dinner with close friends overlooking Union Square.

Been to Giants and A's baseball games.

Been to plenty of concerts in Golden Gate Park. Have also been to the California Academy of Sciences and the King Tut exhibit at the De Young Museum.

Hiked the Marin Headlands.

Felt small in Muir Woods.

Felt small in Big Sur.

Watched the RAIDERS upset the Eagles.

Watched the sunset before listening to live music on a boat in the San Diego bay.

Gone wine tasting in Napa (many times!)

... and these are just a sample of some of the things I've gotten to do over the past 3 years. Not only that, but I've been lucky enough to have some of my  good friends back home here with me. It's been one hell of a ride, and I wouldn't take back a single moment of my time here.

Dear Bay Area, We Need to Talk...

Yesterday I went outside to discover my car missing. WTF? Did it get towed? Nope. Only conclusion? Some punk Haight street kids hotwired it and took off on a joy ride (or some such thing).

Then it hit me when I woke up this morning... wait, I parked it on Haight, not Broderick. That was the one street of my neighborhood I hadn't walked on when searching for it. And lo and behold, there it was. I had reported it stolen.. I mean, I was like 95% positive I had parked it on Broderick. That's because I had, but thought better of it and moved it to Haight.

And man, I know my nickname is "Spacey Lacey," but that's a whole new level. It's "crazy, insane, out-of-her mind Spacey Lacey."

What brought about my realization that my car was indeed on Haight street was that I remembered my roommate sending me a distressing text message. I had gotten so upset when I read it, that I just plain stopped to think about where I was. So when I went out to check on my car I went to the place I was sure I had parked it (even though I had only parked it there for a minute??).

Life in California offers me so much that I can't get back home. For instance, it was not hard to get to work without a car - I do that most days. I can ride my bike to the ocean. I can walk to Golden Gate Park (and world class museums). I can taste some of the best food in the world. Sometimes it's 70 degrees in January. I can check out so many live music shows it makes my head spin. Every weekend there is something new to do (well, nearly).

Starting in high school, I dreamed of moving away to California. So in a way, when I moved here, I achieved a dream. And I feel that in a large part, I have lived it. I have made some really good friends and scraped by to take advantage of a lifestyle I have grown quite fond of. But in the last year, my resolve has strengthened to... well, grow up. At first, I thought there was no way I'd leave here. You'd have to get me on a plane kicking and screaming to leave this place I love so much.

These days though, I am starting to think that California doesn't really love me back. I love my job, but can't make a living out of it. I love my flat and my neighborhood, but the roommate situation has not been easy. I love my friends, but have dealt with a number of stressful social situations. I feel a constant pressure to find a good job, to make more money, to make more friends. I am equating the lost car with my lost mind. I feel like I've finally lost it.

Plus the big one: the one thing California will always be lacking. Family.

When I was working in DC, one of the techs started asking me questions about New Mexico and what my plans were for my future. At that time I wanted to continue living on the east coast, so that's what I told him. Then he told me some strange story about migratory birds who always return to the same body of water. I gave him a confused look, and he said, "We're meant to be where we were raised. It's biological." And I didn't really believe him at the time, and I don't think it's true for everyone, but the idea of "home" being Albuquerque for me is starting to make more sense.

In addition to the niece who will be showing her pretty face in April, extended members of my family are also having children. There's nine-month-old Madison, daughter of my "second brother," Sean. And of course, twin Fleming boys arriving in June.

All these new additions pull at the heart strings, of course. But lately I have been realizing more that I would rather be around for small family gatherings on Friday evenings than partying in the Mission. Sure, I wish I could be near my family and a stones throw from the Pacific Ocean, but for now, that's not happening.

So, with all that said, I think the time has come for me to head home. I still feel like I have a lot to learn from my job, and that there is unfinished business that needs taking care of. But I am 95% sure that 2010 is the year I grow up and move home. (We'll see if I'm as right about this as I was about my car being parked on Broderick)....

Turtle Power!

Remember Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Heroes in a half shell - turtle power! Cowabunga dude!




I collected the masks of all the TMNTs. The only way I remembered the name of Renaissance era artists on my World History test in high school was by thinking back to this totally awesome show. Shortly after the movie came out, my brother and I waited in line for an hour for Michelangelo's autograph. I felt so silly when I realized he wasn't the actor in the movie - in fact his costume was a pretty lame replica. And he didn't even say anything. That was the end of my TMNT love affair, although they still hold a place in my heart.

This talk of animated ninja turtles is inspired by a 25th birthday celebration I will be attending tonight - complete with pizza (!), numchucks, bowstaffs and headbands. With so many grown up worries dominating my thoughts these days, it will be nice to wax nostalgic with fellow '80s babies and pretend I'm that eager 8 year-old waiting in line for Michelangelo's autograph (he was my fave, by the way).

Tubular, dude!

Speeding to the future

What it's like to have a thinking president in office - high speed rail in Americaaa! From whitehouse.gov:

What we’re talking about is a vision for high-speed rail in America. Imagine boarding a train in the center of a city. No racing to an airport and across a terminal, no delays, no sitting on the tarmac, no lost luggage, no taking off your shoes. (Laughter.) Imagine whisking through towns at speeds over 100 miles an hour, walking only a few steps to public transportation, and ending up just blocks from your destination. Imagine what a great project that would be to rebuild America.

Now, all of you know this is not some fanciful, pie-in-the-sky vision of the future. It is now. It is happening right now. It’s been happening for decades. The problem is it’s been happening elsewhere, not here.

In France, high-speed rail has pulled regions from isolation, ignited growth, remade quiet towns into thriving tourist destinations. In Spain, a high-speed line between Madrid and Seville is so successful that more people travel between those cities by rail than by car and airplane combined. China, where service began just two years ago, may have more miles of high-speed rail service than any other country just five years from now. And Japan, the nation that unveiled the first high-speed rail system, is already at work building the next: a line that will connect Tokyo with Osaka at speeds of over 300 miles per hour. So it’s being done; it’s just not being done here.

There’s no reason why we can’t do this. This is America. There’s no reason why the future of travel should lie somewhere else beyond our borders. Building a new system of high-speed rail in America will be faster, cheaper and easier than building more freeways or adding to an already overburdened aviation system –- and everybody stands to benefit.

Uhh... everyone? I can't help but notice a huge gaping hole in the map of proposed tracks.























(click through to see full picture)
My initial reaction is to ask, how can Obama leave us out? The mountain west swing states that were crucial to his campaign strategy are out of the loop. Four of the fastest growing cities in the US (Phoenix, Albuquerque, El Paso and Denver) and the fifth largest city (Phoenix) in the United States are probably the most starved for mass transit and noticeably missing out on a chance to join America in the 21st Century.

But perhaps we were left out due to geograhic reasons. It can't be easy building high speed rail through mountains with elevations upwards of 14,000 feet. Maybe my grandchildren will see mass transportation in New Mexico and the greater Southwest. Meanwhile, I will selfishly take advantage of my life as a coastie and take trips to San Diego at lightning speed. Future, here I come!