Basically, I miss my life

When my facebook status last week listed a few of the things I am missing about the Bay Area, my friend Hank responded with, “So basically, you miss your life.” Yes, that’s exactly right.

I took this picture of the Bay Bridge on my way to eating dinner with the girls at my friend Kelly's house. She lives near Coit Tower in San Francisco's North Beach neighborhood.

Of course I have somewhat of a life in Albuquerque. But I spent three years getting to know the huge metropolitan area that is the Bay, the culture, the food, the people. The months before I left I fell into a routine, or life, that made me happy. Without trying, my weeks were full with dinners, hiking, parties, dance classes, long city walks, sports events, etc. I still feel as though any day now I am going to return to that life; like I’m on some sort of extended vacation in New Mexico. I suppose it’s that sort of thinking that can hinder me from building a life here. It’s thinking about what I would be doing right this instant if I still lived in San Francisco that makes my days longer and lonelier.

A quick weekend get away landed us on the beach in Santa Cruz, having a picnic with wine and acoustic guitar.

The truth is, I have been meeting new people and keeping myself fairly busy. I have been gradually building a new life. But with growth come the growing pains. And with growing pains there is inevitable self doubt. I could still have my life, I sometimes think.And there’s a constant internal struggle of how much I let go and how much I hang on to. It bores people to be talking constantly about another place, people they've never met, and soon, another time.

The curveballs life threw at me during my time in California have left me with a much stronger appreciation for life. It’s because of my heartaches that I was able to build a life that made me so happy and that I now miss so terribly. So as I sat here pondering my old life, I realized that the best thing I can do is learn from it. I had much longer, harder, lonelier days when I was living in the Bay Area. And those days were what gave me the motivation to move forward, chin up, heart open. It’s time for me to find again what makes me happy each day and do it. It’s time to learn who I should spend time with in order to make me feel good about myself. It’s time to appreciate what my old life gave me, maintain those lifelong friendships, and build a new life I would be missing if I left tomorrow. 

From 6,700 feet

Well, I have officially moved back to Albuquerque, so I guess that means I will have to change the name of this blog. I hope to update more than I have been, especially if I want to be one of those fancy freelance writer people. Anyway, I thought I'd check in on that whole "California To-Do List" I made for myself.


(01) Attend a Warrior's basketball game
Done! No picture of this. We were up in the nosebleeds, but I am sure Stephen Curry could still hear me cheering for him. We beat up on the NY Knicks.

(02) See a show at the Fillmore in San Francisco
Whoops, missed this one. This is something I thought I would do regularly before I moved to the Bay. There were always so many shows playing every where, I started to get overwhelmed. I couldn't choose where to spend my money! This is a crap excuse. I have to go there on my next visit, I don't care if I have to catch a Justin Beiber show there (right!!).

(03) See a show at the Fox in Oakland

Done! Saw Zac Brown Band. (Photo via KR)

(04) Go for a hike in Yosemite
Nope. sigh.

(05) Spend a night in Lake Tahoe
Nope again. sigh.


(06) Take a road trip up North to Oregon, Washington, and Vancouver

Crater Lake, OR

Seattle, WA

Done! Went on a 5 day, 2,522 mile (round trip) road trip, and it was absolutely beautiful.

(07) Take Highway 1 to Southern California
I took two trips to SoCal, but stuck to I-5. =/

(08) Surf. Again.
Nope! Considering this summer was one of the foggiest/coldest SF has seen in years, I never stopped to think about getting on a surfboard.


(09) Spend a day at the SFMOMA
Nope. Ok, like the Fillmore, no real excuse for this one either.


(10) Pitch at least one story to KQED
Well, I filled in as director for the California Report... does that count?

(11) Go camping in Big Sur
Nope.


(12) Visit Sacramento
Sort of! Floated down the American River with a big group of 15 people. Didn't see much of Sacramento, though.

(13) Visit the "Mystery Spot" in Santa Cruz
Nope. But DID see Blue Oyster Cult perform a free concert on the beach!

(14) Go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium
Nope. No real good excuse for this one, either.


(15) Take 4 new dance classes
I took one new one! And it kicked my ass. A good way to get your heart pumping after sitting down for breakfast and stuffing yourself full of eggs and bacon is to do a fusion rythm class at ODC!


(16) See Wicked or a production of SF Ballet (other than the Nutcracker)
Nope.

Turns out that in order to check things off your to-do list, you should probably actually look at it every once and a while. With all my "half" attempts at crossing things off, I got 5 out of 16. That's pretty pathetic. Looks like I'll have to plan on a return visit!

My California To-Do List

Ever since my revelation last week that all I really wanna do is go home, I have been thinking how much I will miss this place. And how much I still want to do while I live here. Inspired by Jess' 101 things in 1001 days, I thought I'd make a list of things I want to do while I'm still in California. I am not nearly ambitious enough to make a list of 101, not to mention the fact that my life is in complete limbo, making it very difficult to make such plans. That said, if I fail in completing all tasks on my list (I only have about 5-6 months if I do end up going to UNM), I will just take that as a sign that I will either have to move back one day, or visit very regularly to make sure I cross them all off. So... drumroll please...

(01) Attend a Warrior's basketball game
(02) See a show at the Fillmore in San Francisco
(03) See a show at the Fox in Oakland
(04) Go for a hike in Yosemite
(05) Spend a night in Lake Tahoe
(06) Take a road trip up North to Oregon, Washington, and Vancouver
(07) Take Highway 1 to Southern California
(08) Surf. Again.
(09) Spend a day at the SFMOMA
(10) Pitch at least one story to KQED
(11) Go camping in Big Sur
(12) Visit Sacramento
(13) Visit the "Mystery Spot" in Santa Cruz
(14) Go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium
(15) Take 4 new dance classes
(0/4)
(16) See Wicked or a production of SF Ballet (other than the Nutcracker)

Ok, so as I wrote this, I realized that I have actually done a number of "California" things. I actually had to think hard of things I want to do that I haven't already done.

I've been on a "cruise" on the bay.

Had dinner with close friends overlooking Union Square.

Been to Giants and A's baseball games.

Been to plenty of concerts in Golden Gate Park. Have also been to the California Academy of Sciences and the King Tut exhibit at the De Young Museum.

Hiked the Marin Headlands.

Felt small in Muir Woods.

Felt small in Big Sur.

Watched the RAIDERS upset the Eagles.

Watched the sunset before listening to live music on a boat in the San Diego bay.

Gone wine tasting in Napa (many times!)

... and these are just a sample of some of the things I've gotten to do over the past 3 years. Not only that, but I've been lucky enough to have some of my  good friends back home here with me. It's been one hell of a ride, and I wouldn't take back a single moment of my time here.

Dear Bay Area, We Need to Talk...

Yesterday I went outside to discover my car missing. WTF? Did it get towed? Nope. Only conclusion? Some punk Haight street kids hotwired it and took off on a joy ride (or some such thing).

Then it hit me when I woke up this morning... wait, I parked it on Haight, not Broderick. That was the one street of my neighborhood I hadn't walked on when searching for it. And lo and behold, there it was. I had reported it stolen.. I mean, I was like 95% positive I had parked it on Broderick. That's because I had, but thought better of it and moved it to Haight.

And man, I know my nickname is "Spacey Lacey," but that's a whole new level. It's "crazy, insane, out-of-her mind Spacey Lacey."

What brought about my realization that my car was indeed on Haight street was that I remembered my roommate sending me a distressing text message. I had gotten so upset when I read it, that I just plain stopped to think about where I was. So when I went out to check on my car I went to the place I was sure I had parked it (even though I had only parked it there for a minute??).

Life in California offers me so much that I can't get back home. For instance, it was not hard to get to work without a car - I do that most days. I can ride my bike to the ocean. I can walk to Golden Gate Park (and world class museums). I can taste some of the best food in the world. Sometimes it's 70 degrees in January. I can check out so many live music shows it makes my head spin. Every weekend there is something new to do (well, nearly).

Starting in high school, I dreamed of moving away to California. So in a way, when I moved here, I achieved a dream. And I feel that in a large part, I have lived it. I have made some really good friends and scraped by to take advantage of a lifestyle I have grown quite fond of. But in the last year, my resolve has strengthened to... well, grow up. At first, I thought there was no way I'd leave here. You'd have to get me on a plane kicking and screaming to leave this place I love so much.

These days though, I am starting to think that California doesn't really love me back. I love my job, but can't make a living out of it. I love my flat and my neighborhood, but the roommate situation has not been easy. I love my friends, but have dealt with a number of stressful social situations. I feel a constant pressure to find a good job, to make more money, to make more friends. I am equating the lost car with my lost mind. I feel like I've finally lost it.

Plus the big one: the one thing California will always be lacking. Family.

When I was working in DC, one of the techs started asking me questions about New Mexico and what my plans were for my future. At that time I wanted to continue living on the east coast, so that's what I told him. Then he told me some strange story about migratory birds who always return to the same body of water. I gave him a confused look, and he said, "We're meant to be where we were raised. It's biological." And I didn't really believe him at the time, and I don't think it's true for everyone, but the idea of "home" being Albuquerque for me is starting to make more sense.

In addition to the niece who will be showing her pretty face in April, extended members of my family are also having children. There's nine-month-old Madison, daughter of my "second brother," Sean. And of course, twin Fleming boys arriving in June.

All these new additions pull at the heart strings, of course. But lately I have been realizing more that I would rather be around for small family gatherings on Friday evenings than partying in the Mission. Sure, I wish I could be near my family and a stones throw from the Pacific Ocean, but for now, that's not happening.

So, with all that said, I think the time has come for me to head home. I still feel like I have a lot to learn from my job, and that there is unfinished business that needs taking care of. But I am 95% sure that 2010 is the year I grow up and move home. (We'll see if I'm as right about this as I was about my car being parked on Broderick)....